Knowing what to say to someone who is grieving is tenuous under the best of circumstances butknowing what not to say can be even more important. We all try to find the right words when comforting someone in an effort to make things seem better for the bereaved. It is usually better however to take a chance on saying the wrong thing than to not say anything at all.
Patience is probably the most valuable asset you can use and realize that there is not going to be any quick fix for this situation. Be sensitive to the person you are trying to help and listen, be there for them when they need you. As difficult as it seems when someone you care for is hurting, most of the time what this person wants is to talk so be a good listener, let the bereaved begin to get it out of themselves by telling you. This attitude and action on your part will help the griever to establish a healthy continuity as this person begins to orients to a changed future.
Be there for them for the small things like cleaning the kitchen our house; don't just tell them to call you if they need anything. Realize that they will need things done for them because if a person has just lost a loved one they really don't feel much like thinking about those usual daily chores that need to be done regardless of the situation.
Do not try to give well-meaning advice about how the person should grieve, let them tell you how they feel. Fix them a cup of coffee and be supportive, listen to them tell their story, even if it is for the fifth or sixth time, it is part of their healing process and patience is the byword here. Let them know that what they are feeling is not something strange or unusual or crazy, reassure them that it is a normal part of the healing process. One of the best things to tell someone who is in deep pain is something like, "I can understand how difficult this is for you, I wish I had some magic words I could say to you that would make this better. I do not so if you will permit me I will just sit here with you if you would like me to." Sometimes sitting with someone in silence is the best and only thing you can do. You might also ask them if it is all right if you pray in silence for them.
Do not ever take on a "flippant" attitude by telling someone who has just lost a child something like, "Oh your still young, you still have plenty of time to have another child." Do not place a bereaved person into a mood they are not in like saying something along this line, "You seem to be doing so well now, I can see you are going to be fine." . . when in reality they are not fine and hurting badly. This will often result in their feeling guilty if the think they let you down by still feeling bad and that is extra baggage they don't need. Other bad remarks I have heard people say are, "God works in His own way" or, "There are many other fish in the sea" so be careful of what you say.
Also do not try to hurry someone through the grieving process because it does take time. Don't try to tell them that it has been a long time since a death and they need to get on with their lives, they already know that and do not need to hear it from you. They also may be hesitant to clean out belongings of a deceased person and you need to be careful about trying to hurry them in doing this with the assumption that it will speed the healing process. It probably wont and will likely make them feel guilty about doing it quicker than they wanted to. Remember, patience is the byword here because the healing process is one that takes time. How much time varies with each individual so let the person you are trying to help set their own time for this, it is the only way you can really help them.
Be careful about giving too much advice and telling the person what they should or should not be doing, just be supportive and let them decide what they want to do. Making someone feel incompetent in addition to his or her grief is very counterproductive.
Try to keep the door to communications with the bereaved open and easy. Tell them that they have been in your thoughts and prayers, ask them how they are feeling and listen to what they say. A good guideline is to listen about 75% of the time and talk only about 25% of the time you are with them; they need to talk above all else. Openness and a caring attitude is something that a bereaved person will really appreciate but also appreciate that the person you are helping has a need for some privacy.
If you have experienced a loss similar to the grieving person don't hesitate to share that with them and try to explain how you got through it but in a non-directive way. The bereaved may have his or her own way that they want to deal with their grief but they will likely be appreciative of your own self disclosure.
Sometimes nothing helps like a good hug but be careful, don't be "touchy feely" as most people in our culture find that offensive, some more than others. Sometimes shared silence is the only thing a grieving person wants and they hardly ever appreciate a well-meaning friend chattering endlessly while attempting to cheer the bereaved up.
Don't refer to the deceased person as "him" or "Her," use that person's name. If the deceased had not been an important part of the griever's life he or she would not be mourning now. If it seems appropriate, ask the grieving person to tell you about the deceased (use his or her name when asking) and be prepared to listen. Let them share their positive memories with you. This will help them get past the painful memories leading up to the deceased death. You should also not hesitate to use the words "death or dead" instead of euphemisms like "gone," "with the Lord" and so on. This will help the bereaved to realize that the death is real and prepare them for a new future of their own.
Children Grieve Also
Feeling a great loss due to a death of a loved one is not just an adult emotion; children experience it also and need attention as well. Children begin learning about losses starting with the small ones like the loss of a toy or favorite stuffed animal or a playmate who has moved to another city. They also learn a lot from exposure to television and the media surrounding them.
A good beginning is before a loss comes up to let your children know that they can come and talk to you about anything or that they can ask you any questions they might have on their minds, no matter how silly they may sound. It is also important to teach children about feelings like happiness, anger, and sadness so they can learn to start dealing with them in a positive way. Many times this can be nurtured through the use of children's literature.
After a loss does occur one of the most important things to remember is children need simple, clear and honest answers to their questions. You should be sure that the answers you give them helps to dispel any fantasies that they might develop and to reinforce the reality of the of the loss. The reason is that children's fantasies are usually much worse than reality, which can create a very traumatic situation for them. It is best to help children stick to whatever their daily routines were to help them feel secure in themselves.
Children typically experience grief for shorter periods of time and intermittently. They do however have a need to be involved with what is going on around them and they still need to play to remain healthy. You will also need to take great care that they do not begin to feel somehow responsible for the occurrence or that it is somehow their fault. Often time's children will remember saying things in anger to the deceased like "I hope you die" and feel like a death is their fault because they said it.
Take time for the children who are involved because they also need your help. This can be a very challenging situation with all of the other things going on you may be helping with but it is necessary. A good starting point might be to ask them what they do understand about what has happened and what they would like to know. Listen to their words carefully. When you answer their questions, keep it simple. Make sure that your communications with them are direct and do not use euphemisms to explain away a death. Do not be surprised when you see a child's symbolic language, which helps them to express their sadness. Often times children will "act out" their grief over a deceased parent or friend by playing dead themselves. This is a normal reaction with children and should not be discouraged, instead try to talk to them about it and let them express the reasons themselves but don't be pushy.
