GRIEF and STRESS

Let us begin this discussion of the nature and consequences of stress brought about by grief. Grieving is a normal response to a loss of a friend, family member, spouse or ones own child. With the death of close family member, grief typically includes feelings of extremely intense sorrow, anger, depression, loneliness, and sometimes with physical symptoms like loss of appetite, intimacy, headaches, stomach problems and so on.

We see clinically that grief is often crisis-oriented. The crisis can be real, anticipated such as when a family member is in the process of dying and this is known to all present. The crisis can also be imagined but the impact of it is often the same as is the real.

Grief is often found to be a universal feeling but the person who is experiencing it is an individual. I am reminded of something C.S. Lewis once said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

There are a number of factors that impact upon the intensity of grief such as the strength and dynamics of the crises event that precipitated the grief in the first place. Although the severity of the crisis event is often individualized, it must also be considered here.

Lastly the duration or how long will the grieving last depends upon several related matters. The type of loss is always important such as a violent death for example such as a murder or terrible car crash can tame much longer than a death resulting from natural causes such as a hear attack. Grief for people in the military service is such an area where death can come anytime.

Prior knowledge of a probable death and the anticipation of the event can also be a major factor in how long the grieving process might last.

Lack of an adequate support system such as close friends or family to be near at such a time is important. Many times I have seen this come about with loners who seem to have few if any friends or family upon whom they can call upon during these troubling times. Clergy and church membership can play an important role at times such as death of a family member.

Lastly here, we need to look at the person’s personal belief system. The big “Why” question almost always comes up at times like this such as, “Why me?”, or “Why now?” and “Why not somebody else?” I can recall reading some time ago when I was in undergraduate school an article by a Swiss doctor, Elizabeth Lubler Ross who worked a lot with death and dying people and she began to see a pattern. Over time she began to see that these patterns were associated with other forms of loss.

Grief Cycle

Grief usually follows certain general patterns or cycles some of which are outlined below.

Shock is normally the first emotion to arise after learning of the crisis event. It usually precipitates and initial paralysis that comes over the person shortly after learning that the event has taken place. We just can’t believe it happened and it overtakes us like a flood.

Then comes a phase of denial. Soon after the initial shock hits home, people are frequently trying to avoid the inevitable reality of what that really means. One of the normal defense mechanisms is to simply thing “it can’t be so.”

We find that at this juncture, anger frequently sets in. This is where the person releases all of the overwhelming emotions that might be bottled up; trying to push it away. People may go through an explosive release.

Then most come into a “bargaining phase usually seeking in vain to find a way out of the crisis and they try to bargain out of the reality of the crisis. Christian believers typically will try to bargain with God; “please God, take me instead” or “if you will spare the dead or dying person I will do so and so for the rest of my life” and so on.

Within a short time after the crisis event most will find themselves in a deep depression where they experience f final realization of the inevitable reality of that loss or event in life.

The person will then come to a testing period where he or she begins, through accepted reality, how to go on in life, how to go on in life.

Usually if the grieving process has been successful, the person will go into the acceptance phase whereby they finally discover a way out of that place and can move on in their life.

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief occurs when a person becomes struck and struggles to break free from the powerful grip of traumatic circumstances.

This is an extreme version of normal grief, and it can sometimes mimic PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and can be a dangerous phase often requiring professional help. Some examples include the symptoms of survivor guilt, extreme agitation, depressive episodes, suicidal ideation, very intense and usually negative thought patterns.

Often, a person experiencing complicated grief might have the greatest coping skills, but complicated grief is more connected to the original relationship with a person, object, or some process that is going on. For example, a person could experience great difficulty speaking about the crisis event, constantly bringing up themes of death and loss in casual conversations, sleep and appetite disturbance, self-destructive behaviors, excessive avoidance and isolation, significant impairment in normal areas of functioning, and very strong reactions to triggers in normal events.

Nationally, statistics show that 10-20% of people who experience significant loss are at risk for developing complicated grief. While these numbers are significantly low, they do however call for close monitoring by friends and relatives.

Because Complicated Grief is such a debilitating disorder, we need to look at some of the dynamics that often contribute to this process.

One dynamic is that the mode of the loss was incomprehensible. Columbine comes to mind since the school where that tragedy took place is less than five miles from this author’s home. As terrible as that was it does demonstrate the dynamic here in that it was very sudden and tragic.

The loss is considered to be exceptionally untimely such as children dying young with so much yet to live for.

There is a strong sense of survival guilt. This is usually exceptionally strong if the survivor was involved or somehow participated in the crisis event. Combat situations for the military come to mind or a parent survivor in an automobile accident where one or more of the immediate family died.

We often see that a person’s culture or environment disallows the grief process.

Another dynamic to watch for is when there is an excessive attachment and proximity to the deceased person’s possessions. A surviving spouse may not allow anyone to touch or dispose of the deceased spouses possessions to be disposed of like clothing and other personal items like tools or other items the deceased was really fond of using.

A potentially dangerous situation where normal activities are resumed without allowing for the normal grief process to occur.

In conclusion, let me say that you can be a healing bridge to a community that is hurting, both within the church and within the community and beyond. God can use people to touch those who have been impacted by tragedy, grief and loss. Try to be sensitive to point out the way, to show that there are answers, and to show that believers serve a God of hope, and that hope is Christ, who is the Hope of Glory.

Below are some resources to help you help others and to assist those attempting to help themselves.